Monday, September 11, 2017

I want to be happy man.

It’s been a while since I laughed till my tummy hurts.
I measure my happiness by how often, loud and freely I am able to laugh on a daily basis. And for each of us how we measure happiness differs.
Recently I have been feeling that my happiness is decreasing. Like something is missing and I’m not gonna say that I don’t know why, because I do, but we’ll get to that a bit later on.

I hate this feeling of being out of touch with myself, not being able to connect with myself. I used to be able to identify my daily blessings when I thought back on the day that has passed. I used to find the small joys in life in everything I did. Let me give you an example …

I was unemployed and living by my mom when I picked up playing golf as a hobby. I took to golf like a duck to water. No professional aspirations, but walking around on a golf course hitting a small ball around for hours was what I called happiness.
I haven’t played golf in more than six months and I can not say definitively that if I started playing golf again my life would be better, but I can’t dismiss the fact that I smile when I think of playing golf again.

Yet this nervousness that I am not happy to my hearts content has been eating at me for the past couple of weeks.
I’ve narrowed it down to the following:

I am not doing what I love to do in my free time. (E.g. playing golf.)
I am not making time for myself to reflect on my blessings.
I am blind to the small joys in life. (E.g. a friendly conversation with a friend or colleague.)

And I hate myself for not paying more attention to these things.
I want to be the positive person I know I can be so that those around me can feed off of my energy. I don’t want to keep ALL of my happiness for myself, I want to share it with those that I love, but I need to be happy with myself before I can even attempt at that.

Me not being as happy as I used to be is costing me so much. Fruitful relationships with loved ones and friends are not where they are supposed to be. And I blame myself for that. I used to wake up in such a good mood, but I don’t anymore. I want to be that irritating person that everyone can’t stand because I am happy and smiling for no reason. Dammit man, I got to open my eyes again to another day, shouldn’t that be a good enough reason?

Every since I started working again, I am thinking twice before committing to anything enjoyable. I am putting a price on it. I called the golf village around the corner from my office “just” to inquire and when I heard the monthly installment I pulled out. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to put a price on my happiness anymore.

I don’t want to wait for the right time for me to be able to do something when it is “financially” possible when I can actually do it now. It might sound irresponsible now but I’d rather be happy now than when the budget has come into perfect alignment.
So I obviously need to make adjustments and sacrifices for the greater good, which is my happiness. Because if I keep on putting a price on my happiness it’s gonna cost me more going forward.

I want to be happy man.
I want to be joyous and celebrate this ONE life I have to live.
It’s not gonna happen overnight, but I’m determined to make every day an opportunity to be a little bit happier for myself.
Yours truly,

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